Saying Sorry Too Much: Ways to Stop the Pattern

For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.